We human beings are on this roller coaster ride of emotions. Some days, we feel this joy and contentment which seems like nothing could get any better. On the other hand, there are some days that no matter what you do, it always goes down to shit. Everything is fucked. And getting laid off is one of them. It is absolutely fucking heavy shit to take in. Everything comes at you all at once (defeat, embarrassment, being lost, stunned, anxiety, and panic) and hits you right in the fucking chin.
To give you a brief context, I worked in a company as a software developer for 9 years. I was one of the first people who wrote the first lines of code on the platform. And nine years later, I am now living halfway across the globe because the company moved me here. After some time, I managed to negotiate with my boss to move to a neighboring country to be with my wife. In short, I am the only person in the IT department who worked full-time remotely.
Before going back to the timeline leading to my departure, I should say that there were two things I wasn’t a fan of the people I worked with: someone who declines accountability and someone who talks like an expert but does the complete opposite. I would be a hypocrite if I say I am not any, if not both, of those. I used to deny responsibilities and preached about clean code but wrote like a spaghetti in the dumpster. If a someone reads my code, he would be willing to rot in prison after he murders me. However, I worked my ass off to improve and do not repeat the same mistakes. It even came to a point where I had to throw my pride out of the window and received a lot of WTFs. I’m not saying that I’m better than them. My point is that I was aware that I was nowhere good to be a programmer and those two issues were exactly my nemesis.
So, few months ago, I requested to be assigned to another team due to the fact that my focus has been affected by the guy on my team who refused to take responsibility. However, the new team is nothing any better. If only there was another option, I would have declined to be reassigned on this new team. Someone is on this team whom I always got into a debate. He is a very opinionated guy which is okay for me if I hadn’t seen his work. On top of that, there are other issues surrounding this team. In short, it needs someone for help. I anticipated the constant debate and it did happen, which eventually lead to my mental breakdown. I was already triggered from the prior teammate but this one was the cherry on top. I was so fucked up that I talked to my CTO that I’m going to quit.
One might might suggest that I am just too soft and makes a drama out of nothing. And I would say maybe I am. But to be clear, I don’t blame them at all for whatever happened leading up to this point. It’s all on me because I didn’t know how to control my emotions and react accordingly. There are possibly many unconscious reasons to this, from biases to childhood trauma. I don’t know shit about psychology but I’m pretty sure many of us suffer from this in one way or another.
I really wanted to quit at that time but there was also a part of me who was looking for disapproval from this decision. Within few weeks, there was a company announcement that there will be a couple of people who will be let go. Surprisingly, I was one of them. Sometimes, stars do align. The widely known reason behind this was for the company to be able to achieve the break-even goal in succeeding months. But the undisclosed reason why I was included was that, the team decided to vote me out. Of course, my mouth dried up after hearing it. I was shocked. Then all other mixed emotions came after. You made yourself comfortable to where you are and suddenly, you’ve been slapped with a reality check: You are replaceable, son!
Overtime, I slowly made peace with it. I guess, we just need to accept that nothing is permanent. Life is even temporary, much less your job. It’s tough and it’s going to be even more tougher tomorrow. But that is the essence of living, isn’t it?
When something comes in you way, it’s okay to pause and question yourself a little, and then get back up to learn some lessons. And here’s what I’ve learned so far.
- You are always replaceable. Steve Jobs was fired from his own company. Yes, even CEOs can be kicked out. Either you learn to adapt and survive or leave and find your peace of mind somewhere.
- Business must go on. It doesn’t matter if you are the longest tenured in the company. When the time comes where the majority think that it’s better for the ship without you? You’re gone.
- When someone told you that you are family, believe it. Yes, the family supports you and helps you if you are struggling a little on your shit. But, the family can also disown you. And it happens a lot.
- Don’t be too honest. As what they say, your words can be used against you in the court of law. Therefore, it’s okay to keep it yourself from time to time.
- Leave without regrets. If you believe that you can be part of a butterfly effect on impacting other people’s lives for the better, give your 100% everyday. Don’t leave where you end up saying, “I could have done more“.
- People are difficult. Me. You. Them. We are a difficult type of specie. Everybody says, “listen to understand, not to reply. Or listen with empathy“. Ideally, yes, it’s the goal. But realistically, it takes an emotional genius to get there. And I’m still way at the bottom. I wished I was confronted personally by the team on why I need to go on separate way. It’s uncomfortable but in my opinion, the respect is there. But I guess this is why knowing how to deal with people is a huge asset.
- Don’t be too hard on yourself. It’s not healthy to be alone. It’s even worse to be lonely. If something is not right, talk to someone, a professional, your spouse, a trusted friend, and even to yourself. Let it out.
- Always have savings. This is probably the most important of all. Since college, I never stopped working, so the income was always there. But I always remind myself to be prepared when shit goes down. I am now actively looking for another opportunity but if nothing arrives, we’re still okay in a couple of months. We just need to tighten the belt a little.
The next chapter of my career is still unknown. Of course, there is anxiety and fear because anything can go wrong will go wrong. Although this downtime is a little bit outside of my comfort zone, I’m aware that I don’t have the right to complain because I know there are other people out there who don’t have the luxury of losing their job. As for the company and to everyone I had a chance of working with, I have nothing but gratitude towards them. I grew up immensely, both professionally and personally, during my time there. The opportunity gave me things and experiences I never even dreamed of. And for that, je vous remercie et à bientôt !